Johnny C's Guide to Life
by Mrs. Terwilliger
Summary: A wee handbook for the for the perplexed, by the perplexed! See Johnny's opinion on forgery, Show and Tell, and children!
1. Introduction

_(Me no owney Nny...)_

_**Johnny C's Guide to Life**_

**Introduction:**

Hello there, friend, and welcome to _Johnny C's Guide to Life._ If you didn't steal this book, and it wasn't a gift, then I am forced to believe that you actually paid money for this merchandice. Therefore I am forced to assume you are a concerned and sensitive induvidual seeking truth and understanding, one who cares deeply about the environment and his or her fellow humn beings, one who is eager to embark on the long but worthwhile journey to enlightenment. OR, more likely, you are an asshole who bought this book without even glancing at the title, in hope that a bit of light reading for your emotionally unstable girlfriend might pull her out of her deppression so that you could get some more sex out of her. You _sick, pathetic, slime_. The very _thought_ of low life like you even _touching_ my book makes me want to VOMIT. How dare you even _enter_ the bookstore my book is in?! YOU FUCKERS!! GET AWAY FROM MY BOOK!!!

To the theiving dog who _did_ steal this book, I know who you are, I know where you live, and I am coming to kill you. I will drag your entrails across the pitts of Hell and and rip the heart out of your living, breathing, body. I will then take your filthy shell of a carcass and chop it into five peices, feeding each peice to a different species of starving animal. Not cats, though, I'm allergic to cats. It'll probably be just different kinds of dogs.

Disclaimer (by the Editor and Publishers): The only reason we published this shit was for your entertainment. This person is obviously _extreamly_ crazy, and no one should take him seriously. We accept no blame for any trouble that may arouse from the person that follows the advice from this book, including but not limited to: a life time sentence of jailtime, the death penalty, acceptance to an insane assylum, and being murdered by an angry mob. Thank you.


	2. Forgery

_(heh...dish a parody of a self-help book I got at the store...)_

**School**

_**-Forgery**_

I realize that a certain percentage of the readers here are children, still in school. I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure I hated fucking school. Drop out. I'm sure you can find some OTHER means of education. The vile little worms that go there deserve to be slaughtered. Assholes.

But there are, of course, people out there that would prefer to finish their eduaction. I suppose I admire you, to some degree. But the ridicule you'll have to face might drive you to a vicious point of insanity, like it might have done to me. Meh, I'm typing this all down on a computer. I didn't even know I had a computer. I also didn't know that I had a birthmark in the shape of George Washington on my ankle until about three minutes ago. Huh. I need to take off my shoes more.

Back to the subject... I'm sure, even to the people who would prefer not to drop out, there are times in your twelve years of Hell where you just can'ttake another second of the shit they're spitting at you there. You have this giant urge to leave that Hell. Go for it! You can do it now! I have devised some never-ail excuses you might be able to use if you skip. Ha! Teachers have the mind capacity of a gerbil on crack, anyways.

THE NEVER FAIL SICK EXCUSE

Please excuse (your name here) for missing school for the past two days. He/she was suffering from amnesi and forgot to go to school. He/she is much better now, thank you. Please never mention this to anyone, as it may trigger a relapse.

Sincerely,

(your parent's signature)

THE GET-OUT-OF-GYM ROUTINE

(Your name here) injured his/her back carrying me across a puddle. He/she must not do anything that even sounds like excersize. Ever. Or we will sue you for everything you've got. Also, he/she is NOT a weak faggot just because he/she is skinny, you fucking bastard.

Sincerely,

(Your parent's signature)

THE PERFECT PROGRESS REPORT

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. (your last name here), I am writing to let you know how well (your name here) is doing in my class. We all think he/she is really cool and hope he/she'll never change. How'd he/she learn to whistle like that?

Someday I might write to you to tell you how horrible (your name here) is, but I am a paranoid schizophrenic, so please ignore me then, or I will kill you.

Sincerely,

(your teacher's signature)

THE ULTIMATE HALL PASS

(Your name here) is on an emergency mission, disenfecting rabid monkeys. Do not detain him/her for one second more, or I'll order you to be locked in a room with on of the monkeys, and watch as it chews all your limbs off.

Sincerely,

(your principle's signature)

By now, you can see the power and the freedom that is yours to command. So start practicing forging your parents, teachers, and principle's signature! Proof that the pen CAN be mightier than the sword! Well, sometimes. If you had a sword and a pen, I, personally, would go with the sword. But if there IS no sword, a pen's good, too. Especially if there's alot of ink in it. Then you can squirt it in somebody's eyes, blinding them. Or you could force them to drink the ink. Watching them vomit it up is always pretty funny. Hmm... but what if the pen doesn't have any ink? Well, you could stab someone in the eye with it, most pens don't puncture the skin that well, unless you sharpen them. And... um... mabey if you used the sword to open the person's stomach and put a pen in there and then sewed the stomach back up and forced tyhe guy to swallow six chillipeppers, that would be pretty painful. Huh. I've never done _that_ before.Wait a second, I'm going to go try it out.


	3. Last Minute Show and Tell Ideas

_(All spelling errors are me, not Nny. I am stupid. You must never forget this.)_

**Last Minute Show and Tell Ideas**

I have never understood the complications of last minute show and tell ideas, when there are always so many great things you can bring to school, just laying around. But, from experience, I know for a fact that the human is not always the smartest creature to walk the Earth, so here I am to servica you ith a few ideas.

**AROUND THE HOUSE:**

1.) The chainsaw your parents always keep by the front door, just in case.

2.) Scars.

3.) Teeth that you find scattered on the floor.

4.) Stitches (if you goto the hospital, I don't.).

5.) Potato chips, or empty cups of Cherry Brainfreezies.

6.) Your mother's baby.

7.) Your dad's head (or any part, really, it doesn't matter.)

8.) A gun (FUCKING GUNS) Parents these days usually hide them under the bed.

9.) Art hanging on the walls.

10.) Underwear.

11.) Pictures cut out of magazines of happy people.

**OLDER SISTER:**

12.) Condom.

**AROUND THE HOUSE AGAIN:**

13.) Rotton milk.

14.) Movie posters.

15.) A noose.

16.) The money in other people's pockets.

**FROM THE GARDEN:**

17.) Rocks.

18.) Dirt.

19.) Corpses.

20.) The worms in the corpses.

21.) Decomposed pets (dig them up first!)

22.) Shit.

**FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD:**

23.) The neighbor's mail.

24.) The neighbor's garbage.

25.) The neighbor.

**IF ALL ELSE FAILS:**

26.) The voices, scince they never SHUT THE FUCK UP.


	4. Guide to Playground Playmates

_(Yes, I parody the Simpson thinger. I'm just going to use a few ideas from it fer school, then I'm going to quit ripping off Matt Groening after that. I just o it here Cuz I have no fucking idea what Nny was like in school. But, then again, neither did Nny. So ha.)_

**Your Playful Guide to Playground Playmates**

Now, I've been spending alot of time at playgrounds lately, staring at small children. I have discovered that, even as the innocent children they are, they have already begun to fade into the shallow groups they'll belong to as adults. Just catagorization of different kinds of fuckers. Here, I've labeled them below with some easy catagorization for you.

**The Whiny Crybaby**

Personality traits: Passive-aggressive stick-in-your-ass

Favorite playtime activity: Nagging, crying, running to their mothers

Most overheard remark: "I'm _telling!_"

Possible future death: Sew his annoying mouth shut and rip out his eyeballs

**Little Miss Back Stabber**

Personality traits: Aggresive bitch

Favorite paytime activity: being a little bitch

Most overheard remark: something BITCHY.

Possible future death: nailed to a wall, remove liver, and leave to rot like that.

**The "Big Bully"**

Personality traits: Mindless bag of shit with muscles.

Favorite playtime activity: beating up smaller kids, soon to be known as "faggots"

Most overheard remark: grunting unintelligable about wimps (soon to be "fuckers")

Possible future death: something involving rats

**The Know-it-ALL**

Personality traits: stuck-up bastard

Favorite playtime activity: telling people they're stupid

Most overheard remark: "You are stoopid, compared to ME."

Possible future death: Brain removed from left nostril

**The Seriously Annoying Fuck**

Personality traits: Never shuts up

Favorite playtime activity: being loud, annoying, and asking innocent bistanders to "pick me up, daddy!"

Most overheard remark: nonstop talking about anything and everything.

Possible future death: Same as Jimmy. Little Fucker.

GOD, I hate people. Fuck. FUUUCK. Just as much as I hate their offspring. FUCKING OFFSRING!! THEY KEEP REPOPULATING THEMSELVES!! SHIT!!


	5. Book Reports

_(Hello. Sry for late update. Nny was "busy".)_

**How to do a Book Report**

To be honest, the best way to a book report is by not doing it. Why do you have to prove yourself to that miserable bastard of a teacher that you read the book? Is this what society's trust factor has lowered to today? You have to force childen to write a fucking book report? What the hell? You see, that's why there are people like me out there. To rid the world of people like that. But... if you are worried about getting procesecuted for murder, then I suppose this well-perfected easy-A guide will help you.

_First, you need to write your name. You might want to change you name to something more "nerdy" for the essay. Teachers love that kind of stuff._

**Johnathon Cranium (AKA He who knows all there is to know about knees) **_heehee... knee._

_Now write the title. Make it appeal to the teacher._

**The Teacher's Favorite Book Report**

_Draw Happy Noodle Boy in the margins for extra credit. Everybody likes Happy Noodle Boy._

**HNB: Oh no! Holy Saxaphone cheese! My piggy bank has eaten my left toenail! Now what will teach me dictionary masturbation?**

**Guy: What is wrong, Noodle person? **

**HNB: IT IS THE EARPHONE'S OFFERING! I HAIL THEE, OH MIGHTY RADIO HOSE! **_(Eats guy)_

_If you don't want to read an actual book because you don't enjoy increasing your brain size, make one up. No one will know the difference._

**I read the book called "Why the Human Race has Desinagrated to the Rituals of the Lowest Form of Life on the Planet-- the Asshole."**

_Teachers are always impressed by knowledge and facts._

**This book taught me more then your fucking mouth ver did.**

_Now talk about the amazing content in the book, and how it effected you._

**The things in this book gave me one more reason to blow up the school.**

_Check spelling._

**I hate evrybody even ****fuking**** (FUCKING) more, and for good reason. Look at yourself in the **_**face**_** for once, you fucks.**

_Characterize teachers in favorable light._

**The book mentioned how MOST teachers aren't fat...**

_Slip-ups are acceptable._

**...but there wasn't any mention of YOU. I like art.**

_Use the power of "suggestion."_

**I "suggest" you do us all a favor and leave this school.**

_Use recommandation._

**I recommend this book to anyone who isn't an asshole.**

_By now, you should have given up anyway, so write a conclusive sentence._

**The bomb hidden in the school is set to explode at precisly 2:30 tomorrow. Have a lovely day :)**

For those of you who don't want to do the book report, but also don't wish to kill your teacher, then I suggest the few excuses below.

Cut of your hands so you can't write the essay.

Leave threatening messages in the teacher's lounge.

Spray the librarian with blood so that you get your library privelges revoked.

Start a classroom revolt.

Leave.


End file.
